Juggling Life, Health, Stress & Entrepreneurship, It’s OK to not be OK…
For the people that do not know who I am, I would like to introduce myself, by telling my story.
My name is Renata. I was born in Shrewsbury Shropshire to Polish immigrants. My father was a Polish soldier that came to the UK during WWII and fought with the British Army. When the war was over, Winston Churchill as a thank you granted all veterans and their families permanent residency and built barracks dotted around the UK. My father and his mother were settled in Newton Abbott Devon. Ilford Park Polish Home – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
After the war had ended my mother came to the UK on holiday to Torquay. When her visa was about to expire the Home Office told my father to marry her and she could stay indefinitely. This hit the headlines “Home Office Proposes Marriage”. I will find the article and post it here at some point.
My parents then went on to have three children with me being the eldest followed by my two brothers.
Both my parents passed away and sadly so did my brother.
Who Am I and what Do I do:
I am a published author, editor, content writer, digital marketer, and website designer. I have many skills under my belt. I first started as a graphic designer when I left college and then set up a photography business. I still love taking photos but because of my social disconnection issues, I am now confined to my home/office.
I have documented my journey of my health and my grief in my online health journal.
I won’t say I am 100% OK because that would be a lie, I just soldier on.
“It’s OK to not be OK”.
I find telling my story online more therapeutic than speaking to someone face-to-face or over the phone. I shy away from Zoom, Face Time or Skype calls. I would like to start a podcast or video channel but I am not 100% ok with showing myself at the moment.
I sometimes find it hard to focus and some days I would much rather bury my head in the sand and wait for the world to pass me by, but I know I have a purpose and that is to share my story.
When my autobiography gets published I will leave no stone unturned. Don’t get me wrong I have forgiven every person that has wronged me, knowing that God will forgive me and punish them, yet I want to remind every person that I have not forgotten and never will. It will give me closure and open a new chapter in my life.
After my brother passed away it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was devastated beyond comprehension and I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be OK. Other than my daughter who was only a child then I had no one to whom I could turn. My youngest brother was in the USA and I felt I had no one, that is until this man entered my life.
I had met him on a few occasions before and my first impression, he was an arrogant drunk, I should have listened to my gut feeling but after a few more times of meeting him when he was sober he was charming and funny, no way could I have foreseen what was coming my way.
I should have trusted my intuition but I was desperate for companionship and I remember my late brother’s words that after ten years of being divorced, it was time to start dating and meet someone. How wrong was that advice? I was happy until my brother passed away. Don’t get me wrong both my parents dying hit me hard, but for my brother to die as well I was inconsolable. It was then I needed a shoulder to cry on, a distraction from my sorrow and despair, and for a while, I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel until one day it became dark.
I should have seen the signs but I had never met anyone like that before and was not a psychologist or psychotherapist to know better. I did not know anything about domestic violence or narcissism and had never experienced so much anger and rage in my entire life. I never expected to see it from someone I confided in and was starting to trust.
I could say I was naive, but I was so desperately trying to hang onto hope until it hit home quite literally that the devil can be disguised in sheep’s clothing.
Self Help Therapy
I have since started to rebuild my life one small step at a time but there are always reminders of him even though he is long gone.
An example of this is when I set up his Gmail account many moons ago and because he could not read English he told me to forward his inbox to mine. Most of his mail is sent to the spam folder and I have tried blocking him but it only works if he would send direct messages. I do not want to close my email account as that is where most of my important emails go or drop catch. So the day I started to write this article, I had to unblock him to send him instructions on how to un-forward and delete my email. I did not think I would ever have to interact with him again, I never wanted to speak to him again, let alone cross paths.
Intrusive Thoughts, Fear, Stress & Doubt
How can I move on with my life if I am always looking over my shoulder?
My life has got to the stage where I need to focus on love and empowerment, not only helping myself but also helping others experiencing similar issues as me or people with disabilities. I have developed a site specifically for disabled entrepreneurs.
I am at the stage of my life to learn as much as I can and teach others what I have learned.
Learning To Re-Wire My Subconscious Mind.
I will be focusing on Neuroplasticity, Psychotherapy, Art Therapy, and Writing. I aim to write a few books this year, although I have days that I simply do not want to do anything, and at the time of starting this post was one of those days.
My Business Services
My services will always be available but I need to start focusing on myself and start to love myself again. I was at a point in my life where I hated myself and the world around me. I still avoid human interaction as much as possible. Other than the delivery drivers, workmen, contractors, and couriers I do socialize. I prefer my own company, once bitten twice shy as they say.
I have daily frustrations and struggles, juggling life and staying positive. I turn to my sites to release the tensions and will have a friendly chat with AI when need be. I aim to integrate my version of AI soon (www.renataai.com)
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